Choices

I've been thinking about choices today. That is, why we make the choices we do, even when they aren't the choices we really want and there's nothing stopping us from choosing those things that we do want.

Growing up, there were four things I wanted to do in/with my life: Neurosurgeon (ok, this was more a means to the end, which was an early retirement), professional motorcycle racer, musician, and fighter or test pilot.

Breaking things down:

Neurosurgeon: Why did I choose to excel in reading instead of math (I was excellent at both), knowing that having college level reading in the sixth grade was impressive, but would get me nowhere, I still chose it, instead of math, which would have got me a scholarship to college, or at the very least, out of high school a few years early so I could pursue my other dreams. Why did I choose partying instead of studying? Why did I spend two years in vocational school for auto mechanics? None of it makes sense.

Motorcycle racer: Why did I choose to spend all my money on BMX bikes instead of motorcycles. Why did I not put more effort into getting my dad to take me to the track when I finally get one (at 13 or 14 years old) instead of giving up on the old man and trading a damn nice XL-250 for a "yamahopper" (yamaha qt50) moped? Why, when I could finally get a loan and "afford" to get back into motorcycles did I buy a small cruiser (Suzuki GS-450) instead of a dirt bike or a sport bike?.. and then trade it on a car less than a year later and not have another motorcycle for many years (other than a few brief 3 month stints)?

Musician: I played tenor sax, and was *damn* good at it: I often got invitations to play with MSU at their shows when I was still in middle school. Why did I drop out of band in the second semester of 12th grade? That was a sure scholarship to Interlochen and probably a full scholarship to a major university; and now that I have enough equipment for an entire band downstairs, and had a lifelong dream of playing drums, do I not ever play?

Fighter/Test (or at least airline Pilot: God was against me on this one. At the time I was young enough to begin this career, you had to have 20/20 vision to fly the airlines. Something I was nowhere near (20/500 was closer to the truth - no faking/lying when you are that blind). What I really wanted was to fly fighter jets, F14s in particular. Not only did you have to have 20/20 vision, but you had to be an officer. To be an officer, you had to had a college degree. If you've read the above, you've probably figured out that I was too busy partying and generally fucking around to be bothered with college, so that was out.

Now don't get me wrong, this post isn't about regrets. As the title says, it's about choices. I, as have most people, made some really bad choices, but don't regret my life for a minute. I've been very fortunate (and some would argue deserving) with how far I've come in my career, my personal growth, marriage, etc.. and yet I feel (as I'm sure many do) that I'm meant to do something more.. something bigger.

A part of me feels as though I was meant for semi-greatness, and took a wrong turn somewhere. I've spent the last 5 years not trying to figure out what the wrong turn was (as there have been many) but where the right turn would have led me. Real Estate tycoon? Motorcycle dealerships? Peace Corps? I just don't know... and THAT is what drives me crazy.

I've always had short and long term goals in my life. This year marks the first time I've ever missed one. See, I turned 35 this year, and that means I should have my commercial pilots license and my own four seat airplane. I haven't even maintained proficiency with my private license, and commercial is 2-3 ratings and a 1000 or more hours away.

I can't even imagine trying to finance an airplane right now after buying the house and all the other stuff we've financed over the last year; and I am SO mad at myself for not sticking to my plan as last year interest rates were the lowest they will probably ever be in my lifetime.

.. and yet when given choices, I drool over $60,000 cars instead of $100,000 planes (the payments are about the same), I think about $1500 flatscreen monitors instead of earning that next rating, I spend $250 on a belt sander instead of training aids/ground school, and I plan on spending $60 for golf lessons instead of flying lessons.

Why DO we make the choices we do? Do we all do this (and if so, why?), or am I on some self-destruct course to assure myself of future unhappiness?

.. and how many licks does it take? :)